Quote collection
319 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot."
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."
"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."
"There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."