"I think pimp, therefore i am."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 2 of 192)
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"Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives."
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"I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.""
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"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
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"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease."
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"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
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"I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time."
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"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
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"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities."
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"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
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"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?"
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"Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures."
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"They muddy the water, to make it seem deep."
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"Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money."
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"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
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"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down."
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"I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants."
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"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you."
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"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
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"I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it."
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