"I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 55 of 192)
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"The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job."
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"You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!"
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"Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off."
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"You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'"
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"I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day."
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"Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20."
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"You exaggerate your own reactions."
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"You look like a horse in a man costume"
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"Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two."
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"It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator."
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"You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land""
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"Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite."
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"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."
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"We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now."
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"I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."
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"Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!"
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"Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!"
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"Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear."
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"Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse."
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