"You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 56 of 192)
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"Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'"
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"Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time."
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"I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling."
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"I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder."
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"Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake."
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"I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?"
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"We go where our deepest desires take us."
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"Great use they have, when in the hands Of one like me, who understands, Who understands the time and place, The person, manner, and the grace, Which fools neglect; so that we find, If all the requisites are join'd, From whence a perfect joke must spring, A joke's a very serious thing."
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"Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep."
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"I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section."
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"A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet."
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"We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements."
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"I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself."
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"There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed."
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"I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly."
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"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?"
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"Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!""
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"Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95."
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"Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!""
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