"I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music"."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 54 of 192)
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"I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled"."
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"I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'."
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"I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad."
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"I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind""
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"I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy."
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"My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork."
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"This is a pie chart about procrastination."
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"I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts."
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"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
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"I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'"
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"When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!"
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"I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'"
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"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."
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"Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix."
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"For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs."
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"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."
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"Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl."
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"I do pauses, pauses work for me"
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"You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows."
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