“Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 202 of 1263
“It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.”
“I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one...”
“A seagull manager is one who periodically flies into the area, makes a lot of noise, dumps on the people, maybe eats their lunch, and flies away.”
“The vulgar man is always the most distinguished, for the very desire to be distinguished is vulgar.”
“You can't improve on saying nothing.”
“Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added”
“Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much”
“I may be uninspiring, but I'll be damned if I'm alien.”
“An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.”
“If you owe too much on American Express, and your Diner's Club notes are too hard, take a loan on your Visa, and pay it off with your MasterCard!”
“I have no Facebook page or Twitter - I don't participate in it, and I don't like it particularly. I mean, it's a form of interaction, which strikes me as extremely superficial.”
“I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!”
“Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!”
“Beware the horns of a bull, the heels of the horse, and the smile of an Englishman.”
“One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'”
“"if a rock falls on another rock on the other side of the moon, how does Islam explain it?" "Who Cares?"”
“Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing. Turn out your toes as you walk. And remember who you are!”
“The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.”
“If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.”