“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 200 of 1263
“Compassionate conservative. I don't know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.”
“Artists aren't really people. And I'm actually 40 per cent papier mache.”
“I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.”
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”
“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”
“[A woman waiting for him in the Kremlin asked Gobachev] "Was communism invented by a politician or a scientist?" [He replied] "Well, a politician." She said, "That explains it. The scientist would have tried it on mice first."”
“Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.”
“Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.”
“Looking at the Moonies from the normal, common-sense point of view, we certainly appear to be a bunch of crazy people!”
“I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah." I think there's something wrong with my headphones.”
“Got a light skinned friend, look like Michael Jackson, Got a dark skinned friend, look like Michael Jackson.”
“Harry was speeding toward the ground when the crowd saw him clap his hand to his mouth as though he was going to be sick-he hit the field on all fours-coughed-and something gold fell into his hand. 'I've got the snitch!' he shouted, waving it above his head, and the game ended in complete confusion. 'He didn't catch it, he nearly swalloed it,' Flint was still howling twenty minutes later, but it made no difference-Harry hadn't broken any rules and Lee Jordan was still happily shouting the results-Gryffindor had won by 170 points to 60.”
“Pronunciation has made many an innocent word sound like a doctor's orders for a stomach pump.”
“Old Khayyám, say you, is a debauchee;If only you were half so good as he!He sins no sins but gentle drunkenness,Great-hearted mirth, and kind adultery.But yours the cold heart, and the murderous tongue,The wintry soul that hates to hear a song,The close-shut fist, the mean and measuring eye,And all the little poisoned ways of wrong.”
“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.”
“There are three intolerable things in life - cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women.”