“There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you have a coupon for a free lunch...or someone gives you a lunch...never mind.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 204 of 1263
“If I don't have a woman every three days or so I get a terrible headache.”
“Nothing affected me until I heard Elvis. Without Elvis there would be no Beatles.”
“Why should the brave Spanish soldiers brag? The sunne never sets in the Spanish dominions, but ever shineth on one part or other we have conquered for our king.”
“I sometimes think that when the prime minister tries to select a weapon it is the boomerang he finds most effective.”
“And the little screaming fact that sounds through all history: repression works only to strengthen and knit the repressed.”
“According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.”
“Falsehood flies, and the truth comes limping after it.”
“You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?”
“Almost anything makes me laugh, especially jokes at my own expense. And I will never, ever admit to being ticklish anywhere.”
“May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!”
“If I'm going to Hell, I'm going there playing the piano.”
“My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more.”
“Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.”
“Animals shouldn't eat gumdrops! They shouldn't drink tea or chocolate milk, either.”
“Seven days without laughter makes one weak.”
“Bologna is celebrated for producing popes, painters, and sausage.”
“Once upon a time, there was a prostitute called Maria. Wait a minute. "Once upon a time" is how all the best children's stories begin, and "prostitute" is a word for adults. How can I start a book with this apparent contradiction? But since, at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss, let's keep that beginning.”
“What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer.”
“Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense.”