“Who needs action when you got words?”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 214 of 1263
“Wouldn't it be terrible if you'd spent all your life doing everything you were supposed to do, didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't eat things, took lots of exercise, all the things you didn't want to do, and suddenly one day you were run over by a big red bus, and as the wheels were crunching into you you'd say 'Oh my god, I could have got so drunk last night!' That's the way you should live your life, as if tomorrow you'll be run over by a big red bus.”
“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.”
“Take the so-called standard of living. What do most people mean by "living"? They don’t mean living. They mean the latest and closest plural approximation to singular prenatal passivity which science, in its finite but unbounded wisdom, has succeeded in selling their wives.”
“I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
“When I was younger, the pressure was just being cool. I never thought of myself as a cool guy. I always thought of myself as more of the goofy guy.”
“Alcibiades had a very handsome dog, that cost him seven thousand drachmas; and he cut off his tail, "that," said he, "the Athenians may have this story to tell of me, and may concern themselves no further with me.”
“The belly has no ears.”
“My Rainforests Project ... has three main elements. Firstly, to determine how much funding the rainforest countries need to re-orientate their economies so that the trees are worth more alive than dead.”
“To get the best results you must talk to your vegetables.”
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
“What the joke displays is a switch in perception. This is important in changing the way we think.”
“Whenever I see a photograph of some sportsman grinning over his kill, I am always impressed by the striking moral and esthetic superiority of the dead animal to the live one.”
“No matter how long you live, die young.”
“In this day and time you can't even get sick; you are strung-out! Well by God, I'll tell you something, friend: I have never been strung-out in my life, except on music!”
“During an election, it's like they're doing my job: they're going around banging the drum for their party and selling their movie. You know, it's the same thing.”
“Don't regard what anyone says of you, for this, after all, is no concern of yours.”
“Man is the only animal that can be bored.”
“Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.”
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”