“Don't you like to write letters? I do because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel you've done something.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 215 of 1263
“The parody is the last refuge of the frustrated writer. Parodies are what you write when you are associate editor of the Harvard Lampoon. The greater the work of literature, the easier the parody. The step up from writing parodies is writing on the wall above the urinal.”
“Everything is your fault if you're any damn good.”
“During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office.”
“Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.”
“To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.”
“A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected.”
“I think most people, even if they say they hate horror movies, there's that feeling you get inside that you love. I mean, I love it. I love to have the hairs on the back of my neck stand up or get that chill up my spine.”
“Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.”
“There's not the least thing can be said or done, but people will talk and find fault.”
“The military doesn't teach rifle marksmanship. It teaches equipment familiarity. Despite what the officer corps thinks, learning to shoot a rifle is not like learning to drive a car. Instead, it is like learning to play the violin.... The equipment familiarity learning curve comes up quick, but then the rifle marksmanship continuation of the curve rises very slowly....by shooting one careful shot at a time, carefully inspecting the result (and the cause).”
“Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth.”
“Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.”
“I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'”
“Black cat or white cat: If it can catch mice, it's a good cat”
“The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.”
“We all need a splash of bad taste. No taste is what I am against.”
“I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.”
“Listen, three eyes," he said, "don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.”
“When things are going well, I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind. Writing walks, speech runs and talk flies. Other times, though, it's like fishing.”