“Rats They fought the dogs and killed the cats, And bit the babies in the cradles, And ate the cheeses out of the vats, And licked the soup from the cook's own ladles. Split open the kegs of salted sprats, Made nests inside men's Sunday hats, And even spoiled the women's chats By drowning their speaking With shrieking and squeaking In fifty different sharps and flats.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 72 of 1263
“Correct your mistake as soon as you have found it.”
“The people who are always hankering loudest for some golden yesteryear usually drive new cars.”
“Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?”
“If you can eat sawdust without butter, you can be a success in the law.”
“I want to live my life, not record it.”
“To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter.”
“England and America are two countries separated by the same language.”
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Education is a system of imposed ignorance.”
“Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment. They farm fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into wars, use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves... They do everything but watch television.”
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”
“Most poets are elitist dregs more concerned with proving their skill with a dictionary than communicating ideas with impact.”
“Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”
“It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made he (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one...that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.”
“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings”
“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.”
“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”
“Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift... The hangover comes the day after.”