“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 74 of 1263
“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“I know what I look like - a weird, sad clown puppet. I'm fine with that.”
“The Kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.”
“Inheritance taxes are so high that the happiest mourner at a rich man's funeral is usually Uncle Sam.”
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
“The prettiest people do the ugliest things.”
“It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.”
“George: "I can't see anyone trying to bump off a quidditch team." Fred: "Wood might've done the Slytherins if he could've got away with it.”
“You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.”
“You can't give a Dementor the old one-two!”
“How can you have order in a state without religion? For, when one man is dying of hunger near another who is ill of surfeit, he cannot resign himself to this difference unless there is an authority which declares 'God wills it thus.' Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.”
“I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.”
“If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.”
“Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'”
“Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.”
“Far from creating independent thinkers, schools have always, throughout history, played an institutional role in a system of control and coercion. And once you are well educated you have already been socialized in ways that support the power structure, which, in turn, rewards you immensely.”
“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”
“A loaf of bread, the Walrus said, Is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar besides Are very good indeed-- Now if you're ready, Oysters, dear, We can begin to feed!”