Quote collection
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?"
"Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'"
"You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
"If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?"
"If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?"
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints."
"Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious."
"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
"At one point he decided enough was enough."
"Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?"
"If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?"
"My father was a small claims court jester."
"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."
"Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at."
"I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11."
"I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass."
"If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?"
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still."
"Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?"