"I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 17 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare."
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"Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em"
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"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark."
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"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."
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"Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
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"It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules."
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"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer.""
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"I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars."
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"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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"A metaphor is like a simile."
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"All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes."
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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"Does fuzzy logic tickle?"
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"For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram."
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"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it."
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"So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over."
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"I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine."
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"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
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"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
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