"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 18 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances."
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"I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job."
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"The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."
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"I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done."
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"I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
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"I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me."
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"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
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"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
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"I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity."
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"I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done.""
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"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates"."
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"Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous."
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"Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off."
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"How young can you die of old age?"
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"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
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"I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'"
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"Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
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"It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling."
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