"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 21 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."
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"I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.""
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"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."
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"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."
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"I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads."
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"Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh."
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"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
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"When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street."
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"I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control."
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"I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart."
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"Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time."
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"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman."
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"If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?"
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"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house."
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"When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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"When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse."
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"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
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"I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal."
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