"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out."
Read quote
5 likes
Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 20 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it."
Read quote
5 likes
"What do batteries run on?"
Read quote
5 likes
"I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost."
Read quote
5 likes
"I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget."
Read quote
4 likes
"Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?"
Read quote
4 likes
"43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
Read quote
4 likes
"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
Read quote
4 likes
"Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."
Read quote
4 likes
"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing."
Read quote
4 likes
"I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open."
Read quote
4 likes
"If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"
Read quote
4 likes
"My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them."
Read quote
4 likes
"If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?"
Read quote
4 likes
"I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
Read quote
4 likes
"I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics."
Read quote
4 likes
"I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night."
Read quote
4 likes
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney."
Read quote
4 likes
"I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open."
Read quote
4 likes
"When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them."
Read quote
4 likes