"I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 24 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage."
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"I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar."
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"I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
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"Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match."
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"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that.""
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"I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger."
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"I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom."
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"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
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"Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing."
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"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
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"Is 'tired old cliché' one?"
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"I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends.""
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"George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it."
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"When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'"
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"I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual."
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"The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is."
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"My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me."
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"My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage."
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"I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it."
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