"I lost a button hole."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 22 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'"
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"I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four.""
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"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
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"I was once arrested for resisting arrest."
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"I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it"
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"The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les."
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"How can there be self-help groups?"
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"I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once."
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"Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors."
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"The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards."
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"When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since."
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"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
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"I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings."
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"I'm a peripheral visionary."
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"I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back."
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"The doctor says he has to amputate all of me."
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"Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children."
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"Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?"
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"I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.""
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