"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 25 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone."
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"My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about."
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"In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs."
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"If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?"
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"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
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"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
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"I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add."
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"I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out."
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"I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done.""
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"I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them."
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"I was skydiving horizontally."
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"I took a baby shower."
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"I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'"
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"I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh...""
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"I have a fax machine with "fax waiting"."
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"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament."
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"I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me."
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"I can't stop thinking like this."
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