"Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 23 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake."
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"The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows."
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"What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny."
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"I was an only child, eventually."
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"I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad."
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"I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there."
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"I just lost a buttonhole."
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"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
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"I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't."
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"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."
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"If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?"
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"You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out."
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"I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'"
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"I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'"
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"I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it."
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"It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'"
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"It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet."
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"A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!""
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"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost."
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