"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing."
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Source: I Have a Pony. Live album by Steven Wright, track 09, 1985.
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"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."