Quote collection
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely."
"Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?"
"I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process."
"I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business."
"When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads."
"I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance."
"If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed."
"If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are."
"The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time."
"There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool."
"I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling."
"Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right."
"Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original."
"Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion."
"I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia."
"I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?"
"I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies."
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car."
"The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience."
"Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio."