"To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 2 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better."
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"THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait."
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"It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!"
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"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"
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"One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'"
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"I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay."
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"It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes."
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"I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater."
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"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
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"When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?"
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"Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.""
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"If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find."
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"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder."
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"To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas."
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"Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion."
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"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
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"People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty."
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"Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die."
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"If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'"
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