"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 3 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons."
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"It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby."
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"The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge."
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"I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone."
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"A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them."
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"It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted."
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"One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton"."
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"Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies."
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"In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard."
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"I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery."
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"If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples."
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"Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them."
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"To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead."
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"Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate."
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"A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something."
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"History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned."
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"I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away."
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"If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk."
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"A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual."
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