"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 2 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
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"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"
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"I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill."
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"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
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"If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle."
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"Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all."
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"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
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"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
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"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'"
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"Never have more children than you have car windows."
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"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
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"The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."
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"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"
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"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."
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"It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice."
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"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."
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"Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins."
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"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance."
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"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
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