"As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 8 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer."
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"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
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"Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick."
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"People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."
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"All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up."
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"You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death."
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"I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment."
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"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
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"Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children."
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"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
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"Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged."
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"I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle."
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"I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it."
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"I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode."
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"For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process."
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"Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives."
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"Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant."
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"When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility."
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"Never order food in excess of your body weight."
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