"It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 9 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!"
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"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids."
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"Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna."
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"I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set."
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"There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas."
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"Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved."
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"Laugh now, cry later."
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"One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other."
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"I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up."
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"I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal."
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"Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown."
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"Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket."
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"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
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"Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage."
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"There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast."
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"I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet."
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"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
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"Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood."
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"Housework, if you do it right, will kill you."
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