"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 7 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage."
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"I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along."
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"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."
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"Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there."
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"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
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"Every puppy should have a boy."
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"A child needs your love most when he deserves it least"
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"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."
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"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
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"With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom."
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"The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean."
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"My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again."
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"I lost everything in the post-natal depression."
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"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."
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"Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door."
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"Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed."
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"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."
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"What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give."
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"When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later."
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