"In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 27 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance."
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"There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you."
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"All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach."
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"When will all the rhetorical questions end?"
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"Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy."
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"Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute."
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"I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky."
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"If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done."
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"Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves."
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"A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?"
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"The straightest line between a straight distance is two points."
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"When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to."
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"Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity."
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"I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics is luck too. Because you could have been born in some really terrible situation and never had a chance to realize yourself or see who you were. And so the luck of genetics and then after that, circumstances, those are the two guiding things."
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"You get to play with people's little danger zones."
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"Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day."
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"McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery."
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"I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt."
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"Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected."
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