Quote collection
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"The older I got, the more apparent it became that my mother was losing control over me. She fought back fiercely with black moods, silent treatments and martyrdom. And, of course, all she did was run my ass out of the house even quicker. The pressure was unbearable."
"You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni."
"I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems."
"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."
"How do you write zero in Roman numerals?"
"No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it."
"If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead"
"Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?"
"Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!""
"Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?"
"Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.""
"She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across."
"Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."
"I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into."
"Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive."
"When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks."
"The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament."
"The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate."
"We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years."
"They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport."