"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 39 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978."
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"No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea."
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"When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it."
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"We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials."
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"It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers."
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"Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet."
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"I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars."
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"The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch."
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"People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control."
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"You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone."
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"So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60."
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"Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves."
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"By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album."
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"Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning."
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"Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite."
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"Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning"
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"My father and mother separated when I was two months old."
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"Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together."
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"If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire."
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