"And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?"
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 38 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I'm sure Hitler was great with his family."
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"You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet."
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"Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively."
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"You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!"
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"Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car."
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"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
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"Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life."
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"I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking."
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"I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld."
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"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."
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"Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet."
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"I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective."
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"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
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"When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind."
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"Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance."
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"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."
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"I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow."
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"Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs."
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"Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day."
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