"Nothing is stronger than habit."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 11 of 192)
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"A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big."
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"We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?"
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"All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!""
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"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible."
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"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'"
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"If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?"
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"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
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"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
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"I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it."
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"I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing."
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"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free."
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"The reason we want to go on and on is because we live in an impoverished present."
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"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
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"Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones."
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"I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it."
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"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth."
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"Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure."
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"The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober."
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"We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!"
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