"When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 10 of 192)
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"If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck."
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"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."
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"Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach."
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"Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?"
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"If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game."
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"Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?"
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"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man."
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"Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it."
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"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
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"Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?"
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"If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass."
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"I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist."
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"To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune."
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"Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club."
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"My friends, there are no friends."
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"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life."
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"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary."
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"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder."
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"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."
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