"Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?"
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 12 of 192)
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""No comment" is a comment."
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"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."
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"Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end."
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"When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'"
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"I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there."
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"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."
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"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
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"Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese."
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"The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions."
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"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."
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"I'm sick to death of famous people standing up and using their celebrity to promote a cause. If I see a particular need, I do try to help. But there's a lot that can be achieved by putting a cheque in the right place and shutting up about it."
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"Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure."
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"What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?"
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"A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!"
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"We are at fault for not slaying the Jews."
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"Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end."
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"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
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"I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow."
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"When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side."
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