"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 9 of 192)
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"I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now."
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"Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying."
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"Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"
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"An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile."
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"When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again."
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"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band."
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"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?"
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"Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log."
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"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
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"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
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"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond."
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"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark."
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"I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans."
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"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?"
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"If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car."
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"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
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"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
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"Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes."
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"Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus."
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