"I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 13 of 192)
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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"Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'"
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"Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin."
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"If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically."
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"Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time."
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"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
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"For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life."
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"I am a deeply superficial person."
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"The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself."
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"Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."
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"In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence."
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"Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders."
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"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."
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"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."
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"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
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"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away"
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"I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone."
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"You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up."
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"I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House."
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