"...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 23 of 192)
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"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."
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"Reason must be deluded, blinded, and destroyed. Faith must trample underfoot all reason, sense, and understanding, and whatever it sees must be put out of sight and ... know nothing but the word of God."
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"The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done."
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"Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art."
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"I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement."
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"My parents never understood me; they were Japanese."
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"I try to offset any tendency towards the macabre with humour. As I see it, this is a typically English form of humour. It's a piece with such jokes as the one about the man who was being led to the gallows to be hanged. He looked at the trap door in the gallows, which was flimsily constructed, and he asked in some alarm, 'I say, is that thing safe?"
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"I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive."
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"We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses."
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"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
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"What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?"
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"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
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"I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better."
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"I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot."
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"Smoking cures weight problems, eventually."
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"I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise."
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"After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?"
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"When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping."
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"I've never said flange to a monkey!"
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