Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer."
"The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful."
"If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
"I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing."
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."
"You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about."
"Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?""
"Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?"
"Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft."
"Every Joke is a Tiny Revolution"
"So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh."
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
"When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth."
"The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train."
