Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
"Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em."
"New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it."
"My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!"
"Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out."
"Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive."
"Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"
"All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it."
"If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now."
"Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week."
"If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < ."
"What shall we do with...the Jews?...I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews."
"Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows."
"We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons."
"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"
"A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House."
"Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous."
"When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be."
"Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded."
"A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial."
