"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 25 of 192)
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"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
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"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
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"I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87."
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"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
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"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?"
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"Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?"
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"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
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"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen."
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"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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"I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus."
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"There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches."
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"The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work."
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"The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion."
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"I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement."
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"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer."
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"And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye."
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"Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them."
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"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
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"Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand."
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