Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."
"Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!"
"I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling."
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"
"I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time."
"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
"Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?""
"Sometimes I... No, I don't."
"I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes.""
"I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<"
"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg."
"'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'"
"The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net."
"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
"A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime."
"When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
