"A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 32 of 192)
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"A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.""
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"I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer."
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"A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.""
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"It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much.""
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"A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.""
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"There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.""
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"NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right."
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"Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?"
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"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
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"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them."
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"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
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"If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race."
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"Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends."
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"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."
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"Just relax and breathe through your ass."
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"Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug."
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"Humor is the good natured side of a truth."
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"You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use."
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"The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was."
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