"Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 31 of 192)
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"How fatally the entire want of humor cripples the mind."
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"There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man."
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"The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better."
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"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"
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"I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out."
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"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."
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"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
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"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
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"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
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"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
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"Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?"
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"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger."
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"Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?"
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"My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year."
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"Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"
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"I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb."
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"She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!"."
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"Cynicism is humor in ill health."
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"Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it."
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