"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 34 of 192)
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"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
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"I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust."
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"You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts.""
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"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
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"Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal."
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"You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut."
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"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
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"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
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"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
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"I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss."
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"Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other."
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"Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms."
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"Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius."
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"Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike."
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"What else is nature but God?"
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"I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'"
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"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."
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