"I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 33 of 192)
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"Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of "smartness"--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artificial."
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"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable."
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"The best work never was and never will be done for money."
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"That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened."
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"When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all."
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"We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment."
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"Avoid popularity if you would have peace."
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met."
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"When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later."
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"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
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"In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite."
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"I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale."
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"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"
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"You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels."
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"Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!"
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"I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech."
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"What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor."
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"The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil."
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"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"
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