Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"Beauty ought to look a little surprised: it is the emotion that best suits her face. The beauty who does not look surprised, who accepts her position as her due - she reminds us too much of a prima donna."
"It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance."
"Arouse in the other person an eager want."
"Do what you do best, and outsource the rest."
"If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?"
"We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side."
"My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully."
"The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun."
"Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off."
"The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too."
"You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful."
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
"One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies."
"Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves."
"When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here."
"Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!""
"I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors.""
"Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill""
"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."
"Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand."
