Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
Explore further
Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
Quote collection
Follow a thought to its author, or read the full quote page.
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
"Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?"
"I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom)."
"I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked."
"The idea that Bill Gates (one of the founders of Microsoft) has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place..."
"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist."
"Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop"
"Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!"
"You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it."
"I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time."
"I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to."
"You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma."
"They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."
"I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."
"I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'"
"The righteous one has no sense of humor."
"Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it."
"The oil and wine of merry meeting."
"In brief, sir, study what you most affect."
