"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 39 of 192)
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"Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was."
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"My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs."
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"Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable."
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"Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats."
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"A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.""
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"A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again.""
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"What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
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"An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was."
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"Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors."
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"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
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"So far, this is the oldest I've been."
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"Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big."
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"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?"
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"The status quo sucks."
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"I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook."
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"I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to."
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"A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise."
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"Go, and never darken my towels again"
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"Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you."
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